Monday, January 7, 2013

Just Do It

Throughout December I was knocking myself out making decorations for the house in time for Christmas dinner, which I was hosting.  I went overboard and ended up going through no-sleep binges for days at a time and neglecting housework and self-care.  I would sit and craft and smoke.  Make a fold in a paper, take a hit off of the cigarette.  Glue two ends together, take a hit off of the cigarette.

Eventually, I ended up just sitting in a chair, chain smoking, and watching television.  It was bad.  But then I had "the snap."

The snap happens at any time and with no warning.  The snap not only prompts positive thinking and behavior, but it can also prompt deep depression.  It's unpredictable and undefinable.

Fortunately, this particular snap prompted me to get out of the chair, start cleaning the house, and taking better care of myself.

And, this snap occurred shortly after New Year's Day.  January 4 to be precise.  Now, I don't want the snap to backlash, so I'm taking it easy.  I'm particularly aware of how the snap could lead me to create a giant list of New Year's resolutions, many of which would be unrealistic and unattainable, and thereby spark a downward spiral.

So, I'm not making a list of resolutions, and I'm not setting giant goals.  I'm simply "doing it."  Deep down I know how to treat myself, I know what keeps me balanced, and I know what keeps me out of the troughs.  So I'm doing those things.  I'm cleaning the house -- a little at a time, not in one 48 hour binge; I'm eating well -- a little at a time, not in a supersonic clean-out the fridge and speed to the grocery to buy out all of the produce; I'm exercising -- not plunging into a full 90 minute sessions five-days a week aerobic binges that will end in injury, but rather a little at a time.  And, I'm still making craft and art -- but not with any deadline or grandiose goals in mind, just enough to keep me satisfied and confident.

It all boils down to self-monitoring, which I go through periods of being loathe to do -- I feel so sorry for myself!  Why do I have to watch my moods?  Why do I have to be extra careful about overdoing anything?  Why do I have to have this disorder?  Waaaaaahhhh. 

Stop it.  The answer is because, just because.  My father rallied against any complaint of "it's not fair," with "fair has nothing to do with it."  I hated that to the point that I learned to substitute any number of words into my complaints:  "It's not reasonable," "it's not just," "It's not necessary," "It's not correct."  And on and on and on.

Now, however, I try to accept the "fair has nothing to do with it" philosophy.  It's a fact, it's the truth, it's the way of the world, it's certainly the way of having bipolar disorder.  Fair really doesn't have anything to do with it.  And so, "just do it."  I'm going to "just do it," because if I don't, nothing else will.

And that, is the fairest thing of all.

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