I've been sleeping pretty well lately, but this morning I was up and wide awake at 3:15. So, I spent my time chain smoking and listening to YouTube. I found myself really interested in Les Paul and the various musicians who play the Gibson Les Paul guitar.
For those of you who don't know (and please forgive me, I'm pretty much cutting and pasting this from Wikipedia), Les Paul was an American jazz, country and blues guitarist, songwriter, and inventor. He was one of the pioneers of the solid-bodyelectric guitar, which made the sound of rock and roll possible. He is credited with many recording innovations. Although he was not the first to use the technique, his early experiments with overdubbing (also known as sound on sound),delay effects such as tape delay, phasing effects and multitrack recording were among the first to attract widespread attention.
His innovative talents extended into his playing style, including licks, trills, chording sequences, fretting techniques and timing, which set him apart from his contemporaries and inspired many guitarists of the present day. He recorded with his wife Mary Ford in the 1950s, and they sold millions of records.
Among his many honors, Paul is one of a handful of artists with a permanent, stand-alone exhibit in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He is prominently named by the music museum on its website as an "architect" and a "key inductee" along with Sam Phillips and Alan Freed.
The Gibson Les Paul is a solid body electric guitar that was first sold in 1952. The Les Paul was designed by Ted McCarty in collaboration with popular guitarist Les Paul,
whom Gibson enlisted to endorse the new model. It is one of the most
well-known electric guitar types in the world. The
Gibson Les Paul is one of the most recognizable guitars of all-time and
the artists who brandish it seem to transcend age, era, gender and
genre. From heavy metal enthusiasts to indie rock icons to reggae
superstars, it seems like nearly every musical legend has strapped on a
Les Paul at some point to take advantage of its signature sound.
Here are YouTube links to some of the music I found by musicians playing the Les Paul.
Duane
Allman used a 1957 Les Paul Goldtop with PAF pickups, a 1959 cherry
sunburst Les Paul, a 1958 tobacco sunburst Les Paul and a 1968 cherry SG
which he used for slide guitar. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCtdKWWfZG8
All
of the guitarists of the Rolling Stones (Keith Richards, Mick Taylor,
Ronnie Wood, and Brian Jones) played (and still play) Gibson guitars, including Les Paul
models.
The American
blues musician who is considered the "father of modern Chicago blues,"
Muddy Waters was a major inspiration for the British blues explosion in
the 1960s and is ranked No. 17 in Rolling Stone magazine's list of
the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time. Muddy Waters used a Les Paul
Goldtop in his early career. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aav1shpaK6s
B.B.
King has used many different Gibson models, including an ES-5 and an
ES-175 early in his career; later he began using thinline semi-acoustic
models such as an ES-330, ES-335 and ES-345. King's Signature ES-355,
nicknamed Lucille, has been his main guitar for many years. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9ozjCQkqZs
Mick
Ralphs used a Les Paul Junior, a Firebird and a Les Paul during his
Mott the Hoople tenure; and a Les Paul Standard and a Flying V during
his years with Bad Company. Although being a British band, Bad
Company had more success in the United States than in the United
Kingdom. Four of their albums were certified Gold by the British
Phonographic Industry, while another four other albums were certified
Multi-Platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOj_93UP8kY
Eddie Van Halen has used a Les Paul, an ES-335 and a 1958 Flying V.
Joe
Walsh uses a Les Paul Standard and an EDS-1275. Walsh was known for
"hot-wiring" the pickups on these guitars to create his trademark
"attack" sound
Another
Gibson guitar player, George Thorogood's Move It On Over is the second
album by George Thorogood & The Destroyers released by Rounder
Records in 1978. The album contains no original material. Its title
track received major FM radio airplay when released, as did the Bo
Diddley cover, "Who Do You Love?"
Mark
Knopfler is known for playing a 1979 Gibson Les Paul Standard Reissue
'59 on the Dire Straits song 'Money for nothing'. He also owns a 1985
Gibson Les Paul Standard Reissue '59, Sunburst. This customshop model
has got his birthdate (12849) as the serialnumber. He also plays
other Gibson models like a 'super 400', an 'es 175' and a 'Chet Atkins. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rztpwexog30
Jeff Beck purchased his first Les Paul, a 1959 model, for £150 while still a
member of The Yardbirds. Beck's fascination with the guitar sprang as
much from his interest in Les Paul,
the man, as from his love of the guitar itself. Beck told an
interviewer: "It had a deep powerful sound and you could use it to
imitate just about anything - violin, sax, cello, even a sitar."
Beck also used an "oxblood" colored 1954 Les Paul Standard, with PAF
pickups, from 1972 to 1976 and is pictured with the guitar on the cover
artwork of his Blow by Blow album. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ej3BdMpgZw
It's sad but true, Bipolar Disorder is still stigmatized in 21st century society. I suspect that there's only a small percentage of us with the disorder that are willing to "come out." And, I can't imagine anyone admitting to having bipolar as a disability on a job application.
However, there is an amazing number of famous and influential people with bipolar order, many of whom have openly discussed their illness. I'm going to make this post short today and simply provide a list. You may already be aware of some of these people as having bipolar disorder, yet you may be surprised by some of the others. I'm definitely keeping in good company!
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart -- One of the most prolific and influential composers of the Classical era.
A child prodigy, Mozart is know for his brilliance
and maturity of style that encompassed the light and graceful along with
the dark and passionate. He composed over 600 works, many of them regarded as pinnacles of symphonic, concertante, chamber, operatic and choral music. His influence on subsequent Western music is profound.
Winston Churchill -- British politician who lead the United
Kingdom through World War II. He is regarded as one of the greatest
wartime leaders of the 20th century. He served as British Prime
Minister twice, 1940-45 and 1951-55.
Napoleon Bonaparte -- French military and political leader who rose to prominence during the latter stages of the French Revolution and its associated wars in Europe.
As Napoleon I, he was Emperor of the French from 1804 to 1815. His legal reform, the Napoleonic Code, has been a major influence on many civil law jurisdictions worldwide, but he is best remembered for his role in the
wars led against France by a series of coalitions, the so-called Napoleonic Wars. He established hegemony over most of continental Europe and sought to
spread the ideals of the French Revolution, while consolidating an imperial monarchy, which restored aspects of the deposed Ancient Regime. Due to his success in these wars, often against numerically superior
enemies, he is generally regarded as one of the greatest military
commanders of all time, and his campaigns are studied at military
academies worldwide.
Isaac Newton -- English physicist and mathematician. Regarded as one of the most influential scientists of all time. His book Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica ("Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy"), first published in 1687, laid the foundations for most of classical mechanics. Newton also made seminal contributions to optics and shares credit with Gottfried Leibniz for the invention of the infinitesimal calculus. By deriving Kepler's laws of planetary motion from his mathematical description of gravity, Newton removed the last doubts about the validity of the heliocentric model of the cosmos. Newton built the first practical reflecting telescope and developed a theory of color based on the observation that a prism decomposes white light into the many colous of the visible spectrum.
Ludwig von Beethoven -- German composer and pianist. Considered one of the most influential of all composers. Beethoven was a crucial figure in the transition between the Classical and Romantic periods in Western music. His best known compositions include nine symphonies, five concertos for piano, 32 piano sonatas and 16 string quartets. He also composed other chamber music, choral works (including the celebrated Missa Solemnis.
Jean-Claude van Damme -- Belgian martial artist, actor and director best known for his martial arts action films. After studying martial arts intensively from the age of ten, Van
Damme achieved national success in Belgium as a martial artist and bodybuilder, earning the "Mr. Belgium" bodybuilding title.
Abraham Lincoln-- The 16th President of the United States. Lincoln led the U.S. through its greatest constitutional, military, and moral crisis, the American Civil War. He is responsible for preserving the Union, abolishing slavery, strengthening the national government and modernizing the economy.
Edgar Allan Poe -- American author, poet, editor and literary critic. He is best known for writing in the mystery and macabre genres. Poe was one of the earliest American practitioners of the short story and is generally considered the inventor of the detective fiction genre. He is further credited with contributing to the emergence of the science fiction genre.
Ralph Waldo Emerson -- American essayist, lecturer, and poet. He led the Transcendentatalist movement of the mid-19th century. He was seen as a champion of individualism and a prescient critic of the countervailing pressures of society. He disseminated his thoughts through dozens of published essays and more
than 1,500 public lectures across the United States.
Buzz Aldrin -- American astronaut and the second person to walk on the Moon. He was the lunar module pilot on NASA's Apollo II, the first manned lunar landing in history.
Mark Twain (Samual Longhorne Clemens) -- American author and humorist. He wrote The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, which has often been referred to as the Great American Novel. His wit and satire, in prose and in speech, earned praise from critics and peers, and he was a friend to presidents, artists, industrialists, and European royalty.
Patrick Joseph Kennedy -- Former U.S. Representative for Rhode Island's 1st congressional district. He is a member of the Democratic Party.
Jane Pauley -- American
television anchor and journalist, who began news
reporting in 1975. She is best known for her 13-year tenure on NBC's Today program, followed by 12 years as co-host of Dateline NBC. Jane Pauley has also been publicly open about her life living with bipolar disorder.
Agatha Christie -- British auther of crime novels, short stories, and plays. She also wrote six romance novels under the pseudonym, Mary Westmacott. She is best known for the 66 detective novels and more than 15
short story collections she wrote under her own name. She also wrote the world's longest-running play The Mousetrap.
Ted Turner -- American media mogul. As a businessman, he is known as founder of the cable news network, CNN, the first 24-hour cable news channel. In addition, he founded WTBS, which pioneered the superstation concept in cable TV. As a philanthropist, he is known for his $1 billion gift to support the United Nations.
Charles Dickens -- English writer and social critic. He created some of the world's most
memorable fictional characters and is generally regarded as the greatest
novelist of the Victorian era. During his life, his works enjoyed unprecedented fame, and by the
twentieth century his literary genius was broadly acknowledged by
critics and scholars. His novels and short stories continue to be widely
popular.
Abbie Hoffman -- American political and social activist who co-founded the Youth International Party (Yippies). A member of the Chicago Eight, Hoffman was arrested and tried for consipiracy and inciting to riot as a result of his role in protests that led to violent confrontations with police during the 1968 Democratic National Convention. Hoffman came to prominence in the 1960s, and continued practicing his activism in the 1970s, and has remained a symbol of the youth rebellion of that era.
Florence Nightengale -- English social reformer, statistician and the founder of modern nursing. She came to prominence while serving as a nurse during the Crimean War, where she tended to wounded soldiers. She was dubbed "The Lady with the Lamp" after her habit of making rounds at night.
Early 21st century Nightingale laid the
foundation of professional nursing with the establishment of her nursing school at St. Thomas' Hospital in London. It was the first secular nursing school in the world. The Nightengale Pledge, taken by new nurses, was named in her honor. Her social reforms include improving healthcare
for all sections of British society; improving healthcare and
advocating for better hunger relief in India; helping to abolish laws
regulating prostitution that were overly harsh to women; and expanding
the acceptable forms of female participation in the workforce.
Nina Simone -- American singer, songwriter, pianist, arranger and civil rights activist. Over the length of her career Simone recorded more than 40 albums, debuting in 1958 with Little Girl Blue. Simone's music was highly influential in the fight for equal rights in the United States.
Gene Tierney -- American film and stage actress. Acclaimed as one of the great beauties of her day, she is best remembered for her performance in the title role of Laura (1944) and her Academy Award-nominated performance for Best Actress in Leave Her Heaven (1945).
Hello Hello Hello!
I've been "off the air" for a while. I had a big downcycle and anyone that's familiar with bipolar knows what happens then. Nothing. Not. A. Thing. But the meds are readjusted and I'm glad to be back.
I've been reconnecting with some old friends on Facebook lately, and sharing with some of them my experiences as bipolar. It's still scary to talk about it. I'm always afraid of the reaction I might get. One of my friends, who has a physical debilitation, shared this with me:
When I first read it I thought, "yeah, those are some pretty crappy things to say to someone who's sick." Then, I realized that I've heard ALL of those statements in response to my "coming out" as bipolar. The most disappointing came from a friend I've known since elementary school who has become an MD. He said to me, "well, we're all a little bipolar in one way or another." I was really surprised that someone who practices medicine would be so dismissive.
But, I've found that nearly everyone else has been accepting. I've had a few people ask a lot of questions, and with genuine interest. I've had some friends say, "Oh! Is that why you're so weird sometimes? Whatever! What are we going to do this weekend?" And, I have some friends that suffer from similar disorders and we've swapped stories.
The hardest time I've had lately is with school. I was in a bad depression for a month and could barely get out of bed, nevermind take a shower, get dressed and drive to class. Two of my classes are online/attendance not mandatory. But, for the third class I really need to be present twice a week for lecture. I had to tell my professor what was happening with me. I was so self-conscious and embarrassed. But he took it in stride, gave me the assignments via email and, most importantly, graded me fairly -- no special favors.
My parents have been the best. They watch me go up and down and give me the right amount of a nudge when I need it and leave me alone when I need to be alone. And I love it when they laugh at me when I'm in an upcycle. Here's Mom, "hmmm, feeling a little extra wound up this week, aren't you! You were really funny on the phone yesterday!"
My parents have taken an active interest in learning more about bipolar disorder by reading books, talking with some of their health care providers, searching on the web, and even reading my blog! (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!). There are not enough words to express how lucky I am to have such wonderful people as my parents.
I do still become anxious when I tell people I'm bipolar. I'm still very selective about who I'm going to share my information with. But when I do talk about it with those friends, I realize that doing so is liberating. I no longer have a "secret."
Throughout December I was knocking myself out making decorations for the house in time for Christmas dinner, which I was hosting. I went overboard and ended up going through no-sleep binges for days at a time and neglecting housework and self-care. I would sit and craft and smoke. Make a fold in a paper, take a hit off of the cigarette. Glue two ends together, take a hit off of the cigarette.
Eventually, I ended up just sitting in a chair, chain smoking, and watching television. It was bad. But then I had "the snap."
The snap happens at any time and with no warning. The snap not only prompts positive thinking and behavior, but it can also prompt deep depression. It's unpredictable and undefinable.
Fortunately, this particular snap prompted me to get out of the chair, start cleaning the house, and taking better care of myself.
And, this snap occurred shortly after New Year's Day. January 4 to be precise. Now, I don't want the snap to backlash, so I'm taking it easy. I'm particularly aware of how the snap could lead me to create a giant list of New Year's resolutions, many of which would be unrealistic and unattainable, and thereby spark a downward spiral.
So, I'm not making a list of resolutions, and I'm not setting giant goals. I'm simply "doing it." Deep down I know how to treat myself, I know what keeps me balanced, and I know what keeps me out of the troughs. So I'm doing those things. I'm cleaning the house -- a little at a time, not in one 48 hour binge; I'm eating well -- a little at a time, not in a supersonic clean-out the fridge and speed to the grocery to buy out all of the produce; I'm exercising -- not plunging into a full 90 minute sessions five-days a week aerobic binges that will end in injury, but rather a little at a time. And, I'm still making craft and art -- but not with any deadline or grandiose goals in mind, just enough to keep me satisfied and confident.
It all boils down to self-monitoring, which I go through periods of being loathe to do -- I feel so sorry for myself! Why do I have to watch my moods? Why do I have to be extra careful about overdoing anything? Why do I have to have this disorder? Waaaaaahhhh.
Stop it. The answer is because, just because. My father rallied against any complaint of "it's not fair," with "fair has nothing to do with it." I hated that to the point that I learned to substitute any number of words into my complaints: "It's not reasonable," "it's not just," "It's not necessary," "It's not correct." And on and on and on.
Now, however, I try to accept the "fair has nothing to do with it" philosophy. It's a fact, it's the truth, it's the way of the world, it's certainly the way of having bipolar disorder. Fair really doesn't have anything to do with it. And so, "just do it." I'm going to "just do it," because if I don't, nothing else will.
I'm a consumer. I love to shop. So, sure, get in line; a lot of people love to shop. However, my shopping has consistently gotten me into big trouble, credit card and loan trouble. I figure my parents have dished out at least $150,000 over the last 20 years because of my failure to be fiscally responsible. Some of this has been in the form of repeatedly paying off credit card debt for me, as well many many many loans ("I promise I'll pay you back"). My spending has finally prompted me to file for bankruptcy and foreclose my house. And actually, it's a relief. I'm off of the credit cards and I no longer have that horrible monster house to deal with. Oh, yeah, the monster house. Not only do I love to spend, I have really really really good taste and simply must must must have the very best.
I've thought a lot about that latter characteristic, must have the very best. Why must I have the very best? I'm sure there's a lot more discovery along the road regarding this question, but I do have a few answers now.
Image: I believe in looking good. It's important to present oneself as well-groomed, professional and well put together. It sets forth a good impression. And looking good builds confidence.
Quality: Quality objects last longer and function better than do cheaply made products. Additionally, I believe in supporting artists and artisans. As far as food is concerned, fresh food delivers better nutrition, and gourmet food just tastes better!
Creature Comfort: All the comforts of home, right? It feels good to have nice things to come home to. It generates a sense of ease and pleasure in one's life.
OK, great, so those seem like pretty valid arguments for purchasing and consuming the best one can afford. And that's the key, what one can afford. But there's an additional factor in my life . . . the Crazy Factor. I completely lose control when I'm on the upward curve of the bipolar cycle. I've frequently woken up to see bags and bags and bags of goods that I had purchased the day before, only to wonder, "what's in those bags?" I've received so many unexpected packages from online vendors and wondered, "where did that come from? When did I buy that? And why?"
One aspect of the Crazy Factor is the I Might Need That Someday impulse, "You never know when you might need a scarf in a lighter shade of red.. I'm sure I'll need this craft/art supply for some project some day." There's also the Indecision aspect, "Oh, this sweater is so pretty, and I like the black one a lot, but I also like the rust one a lot, and the pink one is really pretty, too. I can't decide . . . let's get them all!"Additionally, there's the Fill The Hole aspect, "Ugh, I just feel so crappy today, buying something nice will make me feel better."
And finally, and in my case the most prevalent, is the Pretty, Shiny, Colors! aspect. I simply get overwhelmed with a need to possess every beautiful thing I see. I become dizzy, yes, physically dizzy. It's the combination of everything: "you never know; I can't decide; fill the hole." When confronted with the pretty and shiny, my head simply, and literally, spins. I become completely out of control. It's as though I become instantly stoned when I see the pretty and shiny, and consuming (acquiring) the pretty and shiny keeps that buzz going -- going strong.
Some of the things I have:
50 linear feet of clothes hanging in my closets along with two six-drawer dressers and 12 storage bins full of clothes (now, a note on this, I have clothes that range from size 6 to size 14, as if that's a good excuse!)
223 pairs of shoes
65 pairs of boots (including two slightly different pairs of snakeskin boots)
86 scarves (yep, more than one shade of red)
250+ pairs of fancy stockings
52 stacks of scrapbooking paper
250+ rubber stamps for crafting
1,000+ records and CDs
90 linear feet of books
OK, I could go on, but then that would become a collection of collections.
Spending beyond one's means is a common behavior for bipolars. Quoting from "Spending Sprees in Bipolar Disorder" on PsychCentral.com, "People with bipolar disorder experience severe mood swings which can last several weeks or months. These include feelings of intense depression and despair, manic feelings of extreme happiness, and mixed moods such as depression with restlessness and overactivity. The disorder can also lead to impulsive spending
sprees, usually during manic episodes. These can extend to cars,
holidays and computers, costing thousands of dollars, as irrational
decision-making takes hold. It may be wild “self-medicating” shopping
sprees, unwise investments, extravagant gifts to family, friends or
charity, or spending a fortune on gambling."
There are other factors involved, too, beyond irrational decision making. Insecurity, self-doubt, and the constant need for stimulation are strong contributors to overspending, and unfortunately these big three are major components in the bipolar mind.
As I mentioned above, filing for bankruptcy and foreclosing on my house is a relief. I now have housing that I can afford (more on that in another post), and am credit card free. I've determined to never have another credit card. When I'm in an up cycle I am simply incapable of remembering that I don't have all of the money in the world. And I'm making, and adhering to, shopping lists now. It's a start, and I'm on the right track. It's something else that makes me feel good.
I'm loathe to admit it, but I smoke cigarettes. I've struggled with this all of my life and have even managed to quit several times. I often quit for weeks, sometimes for months, and twice I've been a non-smoker for several years. But, I seem to keep coming back to it.
My smoking habit is really ordered: I never smoke away from home (unless I'm out having too many drinks, ahem, we'll talk about that later); I never smoke in the car; when I smoke inside my house I only smoke in one place (indeed, one chair!) in the house and absolutely, positively, have to have a fire in the fireplace (which is next to the chair) and have a candle burning; I am incredibly fastidious about it (I never leave a used ashtray in the house, and I wash my ashtrays in vinegar); I tend to favor drinking tomato juice while I smoke, and I usually take a shower and wash my hair before I go to bed (and if I don't, then I change the sheets in the morning). And . . . I tend to chain smoke. My smoking bothers me. Smoking cigarettes is one of the very worst things one can do to one's body. It stinks. It's expensive! I have pets and anguish over what the second-hand smoke is doing to them. I know all of these things, and I even think of them while I'm smoking. But I still smoke. I used to be able to just stop, to just quit, and was able to stay smoke-free for long periods of time. But now, I'm just not succeeding with that. As a result, I started incorporating some tools to help me quit. I bought a whole bunch of visual imagery recordings that I listen to in bed. Well, I have them memorized now . . . . I made a book of facts and pictures discussing and showing the results of smoking. Well, I have a cool accordian book about the effects of smoking. . . I've thrown countless partially consumed packets of cigarettes away. Well, now I know what it's like to actually dig through the garbage can in the driveway to find the trash bag with the half-packet of cigarettes. . . I've even held a funeral for a packet of cigarettes in order to say goodbye. Well, now I know where a packet of Nat Sherman MCD's are buried.
I've discussed smoking with my psychologist and psychiatrist, yet they seem to be far less concerned about it than I am. Hmmmmm, "why?" And, I know my smoking habits change as I cycle up and down -- I tend to smoke a LOT when I'm hypomanic, it calms me down, quiets the voice(s) in my head, and helps me focus. So, I wondered if smoking is a part of being bipolar. I sat myself down and did some research.
A group of researchers in Spain conducted a scientific experiment to determine the rate of smoking by bipolars compared to the rate of smoking by non-bipolars (the control group) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9632031. According to their results, "The frequencies of ever smoking and current daily smoking were,
respectively, 63% (32/51) and 51% (26/51) for the bipolar patients and
45% (235/517) and 33% (169/517) for the control group." Another study in Israel found the ratio of smoking incidence to be 63%:21%
Wow!
Check out these statistics I found on Bipolar World that compares percentages of types of mental illnesses and incidence of smoking.
Another Wow! And check out this thread on ehealthforum.com: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9632031. One post in particular really caught my eye, "I quit smoking for a moth... I have bipolar... and it sent me into a
deep depression. I am finally coming out of it but felling manic. Its 6
am and I have not slept. I cracked and bought two packs of cigs! It
feels great! My logic was I was feeling jittery and I think that is
bad... knowing that the cigs relax me I decided it was worth it to
smoke. I feel like they stabilize me. bring me to the ground both from
bellow and above."
OK, so I feel a little better. I know I'm not alone. And, I have a good idea as to why my doctors seem so blase about my smoking.
Gotta go now, I smoked my last cig writing this post and need to run to the gas station.
After a big crash that resulted in a five-month medical leave from work, five months ago I quit my job in the arts and moved back to my home state where my parents were able to provide me with a house to live in until they can prepare it to put on the market -- they figure about five years, so this is an amazing opportunity for me. As such, I decided to go back to school and earn an MBA.
Well, school is in its final week and I think I'm going to make it. This
semester was a good challenge and weird. I'm a right brained bipolar
person stumbling into a left brain highly structured world!
I already possess two masters degrees and have never in my entire academic career been nervous about homework, projects
or exams. This program has terrified me throughout the entire
semester! AND I don't think I've ever received anything less than an 85 in my earlier classes
(yikes! A ridiculously low score, I've always thought!), and I received
a 36 on my economics mid-term! Hello Kitty!!!
However, the professor
told me (when I visited him in sheer and utter panic) that most of the
class failed the exam (C or below) and that he was going to give a
heavier weight on the final. He will also consider level of improvement
in individual cases and grade keeping that in mind. He said I could
theoretically get a 90 in the class! Crazy land! When I registered for the class I was certain that I would hate it. But it ended up to actually bemy favorite class. The professor is enthusiastic, available, patient,
and encourages questions in class. He pushes us to understand. His
class is hard with a lot of information coming fast and furious, but his
teaching style is wonderful. I love it.
I've learned so many things
about the real world that I am now able to apply to my life (I couldn't even
balance my checkbook until now, nor really cared about the importance of
doing so! I didn't even understand what a bond is or how the stock
market worked!).
My
bipolar has been getting a little worse. I've been in a high hypomanic cycle
for a few months, and it's increasing in intensity. This week I had a 36 hour no-sleep binge and have been working hard to force myself to at least get in the bed even though I can't sleep. I'm also struggling to make myself eat -- who has the time to make a sandwich when I could be wandering around the house twitching and making weird noises! I'm soooo worried about the
crash that is going to follow and the subsequent debilitating depression. If I can't get restabilized, how is that going to affect my studies, and even my ability to get up and go to class?
My student health insurance
won't start covering the pre-existing condition until March, so I'm
paying about $400 out of pocket each month for meds and am not able to pay for a
psychologist (with whom I should have bi-monthly sessions) nor a
psychiatrist -- I'm also worried that I need a med adjustment, so I hope
that I can hang on until March when I can return to psychological sessions and a med evaluation.
So, in the
interim, I'm trying to do a LOT of self-talking and monitoring,
and, unfortunately, have been chain smoking (another post on this coming soon). The smoking screws up my body but helps
control the frenzy and slows down "the voices." And, because it screws
up my body and exhausts me it helps keep my physical behavior in check.
I hate that I resort to this self-medication and hope I can soon find a
way to find a healthier alternative. However, it's helped me get through the semester.
The hypomania strongly affects my ability to concentrate so I think that's played a large part
in my struggle in the program. Now, I'm more determined to earn the
MBA simply to prove to myself that I can do it despite the illness.
It's also made me consider other career options and desires. I'd like to work in an industry that has a strong immediate and more supportive/helpful effect on society. The psychologist I had been working with before I moved had frequently discussed with me the idea of becoming an art
therapist. I'm leaning more, however, toward administrating a domestic violence
shelter. Who knows. I've also been kicking around the idea of becoming a
professional organizer (Hello! Who else can organize the heck out things than a hypomanic bipolar!). Again, who knows. I'm holding the attitude
that my time in school is an opportunity to take a "vacation" and begin
to figure out who I am.
